This one’s for Alfredo. Fettucine Alfredo.

IT’S BIRTHDAAAAY MONNNNTH!

So. I don’t know. Let’s talk about, say, ME.

Here’s a quickie for you. A fun fact. A tid bit about this nit wit.

When I’m out at a restaurant and I eat too much, I bloat. To hide this, I like to stroke my bullfrog belly and pretend I’m six months pregnant. This way, everyone’s suuuper nice and accepting of me unbuttoning my pants, leaning back so my chair’s protruding way out in the aisle tripping passersby and belching loudly. Oh my goodness, it’s the baby! Gassy lil thing. Due in three months, yep! Sometimes someone from the waitstaff will even help me up out of my chair afterwards. I’m telling you, it’s the way to go. Play it up enough and you might be able to get someone to go start your car and park it closer to the restaurant door for you. Say what you want but there is no higher clout than that of The Pregnant Lady.

Gal pals, you’re welcome to use this one next time you’re out in public and you overindulge.

Please do note, however, that this trick does NOT work if you’re sipping alcoholic beverages with your meal. In that case you’re on your own.

Here it is in black and white. The shocking Before and After.

Here it is in black and white. The shocking Before and After. And yes, I stand when eating Fettucine Alfredo. Even at restaurants. I simply cannot ingest the fatty mound of my liking while sitting down. I call it Man Pee Eating. I think I need to work on what I call it.

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2 Responses to This one’s for Alfredo. Fettucine Alfredo.

  1. Joan Hickey says:

    Yes, I have personally witnessed the whole pretend pregnancy performance. It really is very funny, but not so funny when she first started using it at the age of 12. Many of our dinners at Italian eateries were followed up with phone calls from Child Protective Services.

  2. nancy juliano says:

    Nell, I have just read all of your blogs and re-read a couple that I read when you posted them. You are truly a talented writer and very intuitive. And funny!!! Keep writing..It has terrific cathartic value as well as providing entertainment to others. Best of luck on your new business venture, too.

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