Hello. It’s me.
I’m not going to belt out Adele’s newest hit. But know that I want to.
This is my first post for 2016! Queue applause! No? Crickets? No? OK. Jeez.
I know I’ve stunk it up in terms of blogging consistency, neglecting this squirrel’s nest of stories at times. But, long story short, I’ve had a lot on my plate over the last year – namely, my little family moved from NY to NC, transitioning from having oodles of family and friends and support all around us to living in a beautiful place where we have to rebuild it all. So far, it has been an exciting adventure but I have two screech owls under my wing (Kellan, age 4; Rory, age 1.5) at all times now and I’ve got a couple fun new freelance writing projects (!!!!!) and I’m trying my hand at being a Beachbody fitness coach (health and fitness, marketing and writing, helping people? Perfect combo for my soul!) So, If P then Q, blogging funny personal stuff isn’t going to happen on the regular. It’s not a priority at this point. Raising my fuzzy owls is. (That sounds like terrible English. It’s not. Don’t question me again.)
That said, I vow to make an effort when I’m able. Today, it just so happens that I’m able. So. Here’s my first crack at it…
I call this Hold On. *ahem, clearing lap top throat*
I have creativity. I have a quirky sense of humor and wit. I don’t have tech savvy. I just don’t.
My most recent reminder of this was yesterday, during what was supposed to be my workout time.
It was approximately 10:30am EST. Kellan was at preschool. Rory had just settled in for his morning nap. It was Mommy Time. A.K.A. Workout Time. Currently, The Master’s Hammer & Chisel Time. (Message me if you’re interested! Shameless plug! I’m a coach now, remember?)
Stay with me here.
So I popped in the DVD for my workout of the day, fired up my portable DVD player and waited while the usual boring warning screens loaded. “At your own risk. If you kill yourself doing this, we’re not liable. And at least your body looked hot while dying. So we don’t feel THAT bad.” Anyway, since Rory was napping, I hit the down arrow to lower the volume (my hubs, Tim, worked out last which means it was blaring in order to keep him focused and not distracted by screaming children and a screaming-at-them-mommy in the process of cooking a healthy dinner).
But instead of taking my direct order and softening in noise, the disobedient DVD player projected a message: Hold On. Big, white, irritating letters plastered on the screen.
What?! How dare you tell me to Hold On! You’re rude!
I press Volume Down again. Same thing. Hold On. Are you serious right now? Is my DVD player being sassy? Did it catch this from my 4-year-old somehow? Is my DVD player watching me?!
I press it again. And again. And again.
Hold On. Hold On. Hold On.
Listen, you piece of technological garbage. I’ve BEEN holding on. I’ve been waiting for this moment, my time of peace and quiet and sweat, all morning. I look forward to this 45 minute chunk of munchkin-free paradise every damn day and if you think I’m going to Hold On you’ve got something else coming. I’ve done my chores, stowed my children away safely and now it’s MY time! Don’t you dare tell me to Hold On!
It then dawns on me.
OK, not right then, I probably pressed the buttons 30 more times first before the old brain lightbulb sparked.
The DVD player was not in fact telling me to chill out and hold my horses. It wasn’t exerting power over my human brain. No, not at all, Dummy.
It was TRYING to tell me the Hold button was On.
Ohhhhhhh. Hold IS On.
Duhhhhhhh. Riiiiiiiiight. A verb would have been nice! Damn thing must have been manufactured in China. (No offense, my Chinese friends.)
I slipped the Hold button to Off and proceeded to feel like the smartest person ever born and the sweatiest (after I knocked out my workout, finally.)
What do you think? Solid effort at my first blog post of the year, right? There are plenty more Nellisms where that came from. Sometimes my whole life feels like one big Nellism.
Stay tuned. Hold On.
Thanks, friends. I wish you all a wonderful new year, filled with exciting adventures and opportunities to laugh at yourself. Or, hey, me.
Until next time.